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Melissa Rose

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controlling? [Feb. 10th, 2008|02:39 am]
Melissa Rose
All I do is love and care about Edwin. I don't see his mom or brother or friends or ESPECIALLY his dad caring about him as much as I do, yet he listens to them. He told me that they all said that I'm controlling and too bossy with him. Fuck that. I felt uncomfortable enough around his family. Now there's no way I can go to his house. I always had a feeling they didn't like me.

Last time I went to Edwin's house, it was 11 or 11:30 pm and his dad called him on the intercom from their phones (or w/e it's called) and said that it was too late and I had to leave. He got really upset w/ Edwin and told him I had to leave by 12:00. It was a few minutes after 12 and he called again bitching about how I had to leave... Edwin tried to explain to him that he's old enough to decide how late he stays up. And he always gets his homework done, gets to class on time, goes to work. And his dad just wasn't understand... I really think theres some sort of language barrier because my grandmother doesnt understand some things when i try to explain them to her... but she definitely understands more than edwins entire family. SO, I left and the next day he tried to talk to his dad about how he thinks that he should be able to stay up later and have me stay later, and his dad acted like he had no idea what edwin was talking about. So edwin assumed that it meant that everything was ok. I tried to explain to him that it meant that this problem is going to continue because every night he's going to tell edwin to go to sleep and that i need to leave early, and the next morning he'll pretend he doesn't understand a word edwin says to him when he tries to talk to his dad about it.

So tonight Edwin and I were having a somewhat important conversation while in his room at maybe 1:30 am, and his dad called and told him that I had to leave... at least thats what i thought he said cuz I heard edwin say to his dad "shes leaving now". edwin wouldnt tell me. So I thought fine! I'll leave. And not come back. I hope he's happy. so I went to leave and edwin told me to wait. he said that his dad said that i just couldnt sleep over... so I was thinking, why was he letting me leave? Edwin obviously wanted me to go. So he said to wait so he called his dad. he tried talking to him again like he did the other night to make his dad realize that it was a weekend and he should be able to let me stay late if its saturday!(cuz last time it was a week night). he didnt do much talking. his dad must've been saying a lot because most of the time edwin wasnt saying anything. then edwin got off the phone and had tears in his eyes. I thought he was crying but I wasn't sure because he took out his contacts before so I thought maybe it had something to do with not being able to focus or something. I had no idea. But I felt really bad. whether he was crying or not, I know he was really upset. So I asked him what his dad said and he wouldnt tell me. and he wasn't looking at me either. So I just rubbed his back and head and told him I loved him and waited for him to be ready to tell me what his dad said (cuz I asssumed he would tell me. I tell him EVERYTHING). Finally he looked at me and looked really angry and said something like I need to stop telling him what to do. he implied that i boss him around or something and so I was sure that his dad said something about me telling edwin what to do. I was sooooooooo mad after that. That's the real point I knew I was never going back to his dad's house. so I said "Fuck this. I'm leaving." I tried to go. I really did. I wanted to. I was so pissed I didn't even want to try to work out this problem then (usually we try to work out problems right when they happen). so we talked a little bit and he said his dad and mom and brother and 2 best friends told him that I'm controlling. I asked him if any of them told him to leave me bc of it and he said no but I think thats bullshit. The entire time after he got off the phone I felt so bad for edwin and was trying to comfort him as much as I could, until I learned that the reason why he was upset was because supposedly im controlling. I hate how he listens to what everyone says. His dad told him I'm bossy so all of a sudden hes upset with me because of it. So I left extremely upset. he didn't stop me from leaving or call me or anything. I don't know what to do. I'm sooooooo mad about this whole situation. I need to stay strong and never go to his mom's or dad's house again.

I can't figure out exactly where in the story this happend. it was at some point after the 2 phone calls to his dad. He told me that his dad said I could stay for 1 more hour. he asked me what i wanted to do and I said "I want to stay for another hour, but I'll leave now if that's what you want". and he said "you can leave now if you want to"... so obviously he wanted me to go.

Anyways...
I'm very unhappy because we didnt talk through this problem. I just left and I was upset. I was so concerned about him when he was talking to his dad because I saw his was upset. and it turned out he was upset with me.... for doing shit! I didnt nothing! I didnt tell him to call his fucking dad! I didnt tell him to tell his dad I should stay longer! fuck that. if he sees that i want to stay longer and HE decides to call his dad, then thats his own fault for doing that for me! So I dislike his family. I really really dislike his family. I guess its a mutual feeling.
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2008|02:00 am]
Melissa Rose
In addition to my last post: I realized that I have unconditional love for Edwin. And that's the point that I knew that no matter what we face, we can make it through. I hope he feels the same.
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I love Edwin [Feb. 9th, 2008|01:51 am]
Melissa Rose
All of a sudden I felt the need to post the fact that I love Edwin more than anything. I thank God so much for sending him to me. I think we are meant to be together. I know I hurt him sometimes and I feel so bad about it. I need to work on my self control with how I feel about his religion and family and the things that mean a lot to him, even though sometimes I don't understand them(Like with his religion). He means everything to me and I want to do everything I can to make our relationship as strong as it can be. And that means to work on being better to him because he does so much to make me happy and not annoy me. I think that's why it hurts him so much when I say negative things about his religion. He knows how hard he works to make me happy and he doesn't see as much effort from me. I do try. I don't try enough. I want to be with him and nobody else and I have no doubt that we are perfect together. We have barely anything in common, but the chemistry is huge. The things we do have in common make up for all that we don't. The love between us is enough to make us work through hard times. We both love just laying in bed together and talking. Spending time with him and talking to him means more than anything. It's more important than us having anything in common. I want to marry him and I know I shouldn't say that because I don't think he's ready to say that he loves me that much. But I think he does.

I love him.
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shitty day [Apr. 1st, 2007|11:34 pm]
Melissa Rose
[mood |shitty]

I had a shitty day today. I don't really know why. I feel depressed. I didn't accomplish anything today... not even getting off my lazy ass. I have this weird thing where I have to start diets on Sundays.. and if not Sunday, Monday the latest or I screw up the whole week. And my mom made her really good dip and I didn't finish my food from applebees so I decided I'd start tomorrow (Monday). Well the dip for some reason didn't taste as good as normal and I just felt like a fat ass after eating it. My mom made perogies and I didn't like what was in them. And the boneless chicken wings that I was waiting all day to eat, I found out that my mom and the asshole ate them. So now I'm gonna crave them until I eat them. I'm never gonna lose weight. Fuck! I just wanna scream fuck as loud as I can a billion times. It makes me feel better. Then Edwin hung up on me earlier as I was trying to ask him something. Then later he did it again as a joke that wasn't funny. Then I was talking to him and telling him what a bad mood I'm in and I felt like I just needed to talk and he said he was too tired to talk and that I should think of him. He's too tired to talk because of his stupid OP thing (Where guys go around shooting each other with bb guns... they find it fun). And he kept saying all these day dreams he keeps having about them. I don't remember him ever having a day dream about me. His airsoft guns and airsoft games and airsoft friends and video games are more important to him than me. I daydream about marrying him and he daydreams about shooting me probably... and he laughed AT me the other day when I told him something that I'd rather not say. And he has no memory which is so aggrivating. He would never forget about his precious OPs but he has forgotten about me plently of times. He called me stupid today. AND he keeps getting sent money from MCC. He got almost $4,000. It pissed me off because my mom doesn't really have a job. why does he get all that money? And he's just gonna waste it on airsoft and then if I wanna go out to dinner or something he'll tell me that he doesn't have money for it. I'm aggrivated because his parents are paying for his college. I have to pay for my own. I need that money so much more than him! FUCK. I hate my life. I was just telling my mom today: I was thinking. How is it possible that I'm so lucky at the same time as being so unlucky. I have almost anything I want. I get to live in a really big room and have my own bathroom (eventually if the douche mark ever finishes it.. thats a whole other story. it was supposed to be done last Thanksgiving). I don't have a job and don't think I need one... But at the same time, my mom and dad keep nagging me to get a job, they won't pay for car insurence (which most of my friends parents pay for theirs), I have to live with peter the ass hole and his whole shitty family, odetta whose old and is capable of stinking up the entire house other than my room thank goodness (and of course she does every day), and then peters three children who are 11 14 and 16 who all shit their pants. and their dirty and disgusting. And then I have to deal with the dogs smelling all the time and theyre not trained just like peters shitty kids aren't trained, so they shit and pee everywhere. I live in the basement so I feel like I'm in a dungon all the time so its driving me crazy, but I don't wanna leave it because of all the shit (literally) that's upstairs. MINGIA!
I had homework to do today and I was supposed to study for a music test that I have tomorrow. But I didn't do any of it because I didn't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. not sleeping or watching tv or listening to music. I guess I'm gonna go stair at the wall and get in a worse mood.
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The world owes me so FUCK YOU! [Mar. 6th, 2007|05:23 pm]
Melissa Rose
Edwin always says that he wants me to have more self esteem. I don't know how to fix that. He doesn't realize all of the things in my life that gave me that low self esteem. Today Adam came up to me and looked at my stomach and asked me if I was pregnant... implying that I'm obese. Then he kept going with it saying that I'm pregnant and that he's gonna tell ppl. Then he went into the other room telling his girlfriend and my grandmother that I'm pregnant. I just went to my room and called Edwin cuz that's what I do when I'm upset. Later I told my mom that I was gonna starve myself. And she said that it was stupid and rediculous for me to be so upset when Adam said one thing to me. And I told her that she was inconsiderate and I said "Do you really think that Adam's comment today was the first time someone has called me fat?" Then she felt bad. Then I went to my room and cried. I think it was the first time I cried about my weight. I wish I was fat enough to get my stomach stapled. When I was at Oswego, Katie and Stephanie were talking about this girl I know whose skinnier than me... and they were saying how fat she was. I don't wanna hang out with them anymore. I want better friends. I'm happy I have Kim and Steph and Melissa and Susie. I'm not puting up with shitty friends anymore.
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(no subject) [Feb. 12th, 2007|12:03 am]
Melissa Rose
My mom told me today that she doesn't think that Edwin and I are a good match. She said that she doesn't think that we have what a relationship needs to last. I have this pain in my chest. I only feel this way when I'm really sad about something. I can't believe she said that. And she really meant it. She should've known that's something that would hurt me. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I have no problem with that, but I would think that someone less sensitive would be sad too if their mother said that to them. And my mom sometimes randomly says things like I should call Joe or be with Joe. I really wanna talk to Edwin right now but he's still on his way home from Niagara Falls. I need to talk to him. I was gonna work out(I was all dressed and stretched and everything) and do some homework. But now I don't feel like doing any of that. Or sleeping. I'm too sad to sleep. *sigh*. Why am I the only person than feels like this is gonna last? Everyone has doubts so now it's giving me doubts. So Edwin and I have nothing in common. I know it's a problem. But we get along so well. I don't get it. Dammit! I wish we had more in common. He likes videogames and airsoft and action movies and metal music I really don't like any of them. I like all other types of music and musicals and funny stupid movies and he doesn't like them.
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(no subject) [Feb. 10th, 2007|05:49 pm]
Melissa Rose
Stephanie and Michelle were stuck at Oswego because of the snow so we couldn't go to Canada this weekend. Hopefully next weekend I can still go with Stephanie S and Lyndsay.

Marc from Spain (the exchange student that stayed with us last summer) emailed my family. I emailed him back. It's been so long since he left that I thought we would never talk again. He wants to come back to Rochester next summer so hopefully he will. When I go to Valencia (which will prolly be September 2008) maybe I can take a roadtrip to Barcelona.

I've been jogging lately. It feels good. I want to get up to jogging 5 mph for 15 minutes. I think I feel a difference in my body. I don't see it yet though.

Edwin couldn't get off of work for Valentines Day. Even though I was really upset about it I was understanding and made sure he knew that (Even though I asked him a while ago to take the day off and he never did). And when I asked him if we could pick another day to celebrate he didn't seem like he wanted to. I wish he was more romantic. I know that buying stuff shouldn't mean a lot but I'm always going out and buying him little things that he likes to show that I'm thinking about him. I bought him Gigi just because I knew he would like it... not for any special occasion. I know I should talk to him about how I feel. But I have a really hard time with saying how I feel to people.

I know that I'm not the perfect girlfriend but I wanna be better. So I'm going to try to be less jealous of other girls and to be more easy going because Edwin deserves it.
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2007|01:13 am]
Melissa Rose
I didn't realize how early I had to leave to be on time to school when it's snowy out. My mom drives me to school cuz after I got in a car accident on my way to school I was too scared to drive there alone... I hate henrietta. Anyways... Friday we left a half an hour before my class started like usual and the trafic was so bad that it took an hour and 15 minutes to get there! So I got to class 5 minutes before it ended. I told the teacher what happend and she was really understanding. We just decided that I have to leave a lot earlier to get there on time. I forgot that my mom doesnt get home till 8:30.. so we leave right when she gets home. I can't leave any earlier. I had to drop the class. I thought by dropping it I would have to take some summer classes. But I looked at all the classes I need to take and made a schedule for the rest of college. As long as things go my way, I don't need to take a summer class other than the two classes to be dual certified cuz they're only offered in the summer. The only thing that sucks is that I can't minor in music anymore. I'm still gonna try to cuz it's important to me. We'll see I guess.

Edwin has an HD tv at his house and the more he makes me look at it and compare to regular tvs it makes me wanna get one...someday. It's aggrivating though cuz of how expensive it is and how theres the blu-ray player(is that was its called?)so movies are all switching over and some are only made for HD and some are only made for blu-ray. And I'm still trying to switch from vhs to dvds. technology is gonna constantly change so it's just annoying that I have to waste my money on things that in 10 years there will be other things and I'll have to switch again. My TV works fine so I guess someday when I get my own house I can get into the whole HD thing.

I have my break at school with Susie which is awesome cuz I haven't seen her in forever and I really missed hanging out with her! Its nice to just catch up... lots of catching of. I have the break with Edwin and half of it with Steph.
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Stressed [Jan. 16th, 2007|08:23 pm]
Melissa Rose
My dad has been nagging me about going to a SUNY school. months ago I filled out the SUNY application and applied to Fredonia, Brockport, Geneseo, and Oswego. My dad brought up Oswego the other day and before that I never really thought about it. But now that I've looked into it, it seems like a school I'd really like! It's so much cheaper than Nazareth and Fisher (which are my other two options). I got really excited when I found out that Oswego has a music minor! So that made it go from last on my list to tied with Nazareth. So I'm stressing out trying to figure out whether I should go to Nazareth where I know I feel comfortable. Or should I go to Oswego where it'll be a whole lot cheaper, I prolly could feel comfortable there but I'm not sure, and I'll be an hour away from Edwin. He broke my heart the other day when I brought this up to him and he asked me to please go to Naz. I love him so much and don't want to be that far away from him. I think that our relationship is really strong to survive not seeing each other a lot... I just don't want that to happen. I'm used to seeing him every other day. And his top choice is Fisher. If he's at Fisher and I'm at Naz, we're gonna be sooooo close! The problem is that it might hold me back. I can see myself at Oswego really becoming a lot more independant. Nazareth is the safe choice... So do I take a risk and risk losing the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with? If Edwin and I ever broke up and I went to Naz, I'd regret not going to Oswego. If Edwin and I broke up and I was at Oswego, I'd regret going to Oswego cuz that would prolly be the reason why we'd break up. I don't think an hour is that far. The problem is that Edwin thinks that it's far.. which makes me think that if I do go, he won't visit me much. I'm gonna try to visit stephanie at Oswego next weekend with Edwin so that we can see whether it's something I should do or not. I would just hate to chose Naz just because it's the safe choice... that's what I did the first time and I sorta regret it a little bit.

Stressed
Stressed
Stressed
Stressed
Stressed

I finished my college essays and typed them. So I'm gonna send my Naz application tomorrow and get my transcripts sent to Naz and Oswego.
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It's been forever [Jan. 13th, 2007|11:14 pm]
Melissa Rose
So.. I haven't updated in a while.. like always. Right now I'm enjoying all my free time. Soon my friends who aren't at MCC will be going back to school so I'm gonna be lonely. At least I'll get to maybe go to Nazareth to visit Melissa. Oh yea.. and I need to send the security guy a letter now so that I'm allowed back on the campus haha. I feel like I haven't talked to Melissa in forever. I didn't call her when I really should've. I feel so guilty so I'm afraid to call her. But I know she's really forgiving so hopefully she will be this time too.

Anyway... I'll be applying to Nazareth this week. I'm really nervous because I have to send in 2 essays this time and I'm not the greatest writer. I hope they don't look too much at that while deciding. I should know within a few weeks since it's on a rolling basis. I'm only applying there I think.. So I need to get the answer back quickly so if I don't get in, I can still apply to other colleges. If I end up not getting in though I'll prolly just end up going to MCC for another semester so I'll have enough credits to graduate from there and then apply again to Naz the next semester.

My dad wants me to go to a SUNY school.. And I know it's the smart thing to do since it's so much cheaper. But I just don't know. I loved Naz when I went there. And they have music so I can minor in it. Most other colleges that I looked at didn't have that. Fredonia is too far away. I loved the college but I really think that Edwin and I have something special and I don't wanna lose him from the distance. I'm thinking of looking into Brockport or Oswego though. They're not too far. I love Kim's college but it doesn't have music and it's a little too far also. I just don't think that I'd feel comfortable going anywhere other than Naz since I've been there before and I'm gonna be a trasfer student. If I go to Naz I don't think I'd feel like a transfer student.. The other day someone asked me what college I go to and Naz slipped out... I was like "I mean MCC" haha.. I was embarassed but I still feel like I go there.. I'm just on a break. :)

Edwin and I are really perfect together. I can't tell him enough how much I love him and love is the greatest thing in the world. I can't see myself with anyone else. He is "mi amor" haha. He really is amazing. I'm so greatful that we found each other. I'm lucky to have such a great guy with all the jerks that are in the world. Edwin supports me and we understand each other. I can talk to him about anything.. sometimes even more than what I can tell my friends. He makes me want to be a better person which I think is really great! Sometimes I wish I could just do all the bad stuff college students do and not worry about anyone else. But I know even though sometimes I feel that way, it's good that being with him keeps me good for the most part.

Anyways... School starts again January 22nd. I'm excited that I only have one more semester at MCC. I guess I don't dislike MCC that much. I just know that the less semester I have at MCC, the sooner (hopefully) I'll be at Naz.

I went to a Nutritionist finally. I learned a lot and I'm really excited to be eating healthy and excersizing. She said that the ideal weight for my body and height is about 135. I wanted 130 so I'm glad it's possible. She said that I should be eating 1800 calories!!! I know it seems like a lot. I was shocked too. And it sucks because something I always can say truthfully to people about my weight is I don't eat a lot. Now people are gonna see how much I'm gonna be eating and be like "Oh that's why she's overweight. My mom told me not to worry about what other people think so I'll try to do that. I'm still a little confused about what I'm supposed to be doing because it's all new to me. I'm supposed to eat a lot to lose weight. It speeds up your metabolism I guess. And if you eat too little, your body thinks it's starving itself or isnt sure when the next meal will be so it holds it as fat. She said to eat 6 times a day. 3 meals and 3 snacks. I'm supposed to be eating lots of carbs which seems weird to me too! But it's supposed to be the good carbs like whole wheat. I'm supposed to get low fat food as much as possible.. the more natural the food, the better. And little sugar. And she said this is how I need to eat all the time. She said that humans screw up and not to get upset if I do. I'm allowed to eat unhealthy once in a while or I'll go crazy. And as long as it is in moderation, and it's not multiple times a week then it's fine. I'm also supposed to excersize 45 minutes a day 3-5 times a week.. and do palates or yoga once or twice. I figure the more excersize the better so I'm gonna try to do it everyday... 2 of the days doing my palates tape.

So if anyone wants to lose weight ^^^ read that.

-Melissa
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